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2006-04-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

George Bush is Jesus !

2006-04-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

Abortion can harm your baby

A shocking new medical study has revealed that having an abortion can seriously affect the health of your unborn child.

Astounding

Dr. Simon Nilfisk, director of said study, commented that its' findings are astounding. "Over 99% of aborted babies encounter serious health problems later in life, such as being dead, and never having been born", he said, in an exclusive interview.

Implications

He then went on to specify the wide ranging implications of this document, but they were too boring to print.

Left: an aborted baby, in happier times, Yesterday.

2006-04-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

Editorial: Hollywood is behind the Iraq War

Some will tell you the Iraq war was about Democracy. Others, Oil. This, however, is the REAL reason.

The American movie industry thrives on war films. Some estimates put the average box office yearly war-movie takings at as high or as low as 16.84 billion Mongolian Dinars.

However, pretty much all important 20th Century wars have been filmed to death already (pun intended). Hence the need for a 21st Century war.

Yes, Indeedy

As any film buff will tell you, Vietnam movies kick ass. Platoon, Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket etc. What better war to start, therefore, than another extended pointless guerrila combat. Just as the previous Iraq war was exerable movie material, because it was short and the US won,the current one will be excellent (lengthy + unwinnable = good film).

In ten years, the movies will appear. People will sit and eat popcorn and watch, and those fat cat hollywood producers will be laughing all the way to the bank.

Various US governmental officials, Iraqi insurgency leaders and Hollywood film executives were unavailable for comment as of this morning.

2006-04-08T04:46:00.000-07:00

Tree Sways in Wind

A tree in Greece swayed slightly in the wind yesterday, according to Reuters.

The humanity

Eye-witness Aterio Onarismi described how the tree's branches started to bend slightly, due to a fairly strong breeze.

"The tree a started to sway a slightly". He added "the wind made a rustling noise as it blew through the leaves".

The tree itself was unavailable for comment.

2006-04-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

Chinese-Luxembourgian Tensions at all Time High

Many analysts were predicting all out war between China and Luxembourg last night, after it emerged that China had imposed a paper-clip embargo on the tiny European country in retaliation for sucking ass.

Dude

Xioa Ping, Vice-Chairman of the Chinese Communist party, issued a statement this morning, in which he claimed that "Luxembourg is like totally lame, dude". He went on to claim that they are a nation of "asstards".

Sweet

The Prime Minister of Luxembourg, Victor Pflemgh, made a defiant response. Sources quoted him as saying "There will be no paper clip shortage in Luxembourg". "Luxembourg could kick China's ass", he added.